


Waves (All You Had To Do Was Stay)

by tmrdonny



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mainly angst, but for all you wimps (like me) this has a happy ending, i love you !, its also a very limited amount of fluff, no one dies though so that’s an improvement for me, no smut sorry to disappoint??, this is angsty???, you anti zouies can get out my mentions already oof, zouis lives in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 13:30:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12960279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmrdonny/pseuds/tmrdonny
Summary: “Did you ever love me,” it started with a quiet whisper and Louis really, really hated himself for not being able to ever function properly around Harry. “Or has it always been something you just said to have said anything?”Louis wanted to kick himself, tear his hair off his head, punch his own guts until he stopped speaking. He has never been good at keeping his mouth shut. But this was another level, this was him talking to Harry for the first time in a year.“I have. Jesus, Lou,” Louis didn’t want to admit that he broke just a little more inside. “I have never had a reason to not love you to pieces.”“Then why did you stop?”“It’s not that I stopped loving you,” Harry struggled. Louis almost felt sorry for making him feel like that. Almost. “It’s more about how this didn’t work out for the both of us. We were constantly fighting, it wasn’t good for the both of us.”“You,” he whispered, wished so badly he could just speak to Harry like he wasn’t affected. “It didn’t work out for you, I was fine, I-” Louis had to swallow.“I never would’ve left you. I’d rather fight with you daily than ever, ever love anybody else,” his voice shook and so did his hands.





	Waves (All You Had To Do Was Stay)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I cried writing this. And my heart ached, but nonetheless. Here it is. Here she is. My baby.  
> My first ever properly published fic after shipping Larry for, what? 6 years? Anyways, I hope you enjoy and feel the pain I wanted to exert with this.  
> You can leave feedback, just keep in mind that any errors are due to me not having proofread it and English is anything but my first language.  
> I hope you're having an amazing day. x

“Did you ever love me,” it started with a quiet whisper and Louis really, really hated himself for not being able to ever function properly around Harry. “Or has it always been something you just said to have said anything?”

Louis wanted to kick himself, tear his hair off his head, punch his own guts until he stopped speaking. He has never been good at talking coherently, has always struggled biting his tongue and keeping his mouth shut. But this was another level, this was him talking to Harry for the first time in a year.

“I have. Jesus, Lou,” Louis didn’t want to admit that he broke just a little more inside. “I have never had a reason to not love you to pieces.”

“Then why did you stop?” 

Nothing was worse than Louis breaking in front of Harry, not a single thing. He hated being vulnerable and open in front of Harry like that.

“It’s not that I stopped loving you,” Harry struggled. Louis almost felt sorry for making him feel like that. Almost. “It’s more about how this didn’t work out for the both of us. We were constantly fighting, it wasn’t good for the both of us.”

Louis wanted to strangle Harry. So, so badly. “You,” he whispered, wished so badly he could just speak to Harry like he wasn’t affected the slightest bit. “It didn’t work out for you, I was fine, I-” Louis had to swallow. It didn’t help that Harry was kind enough to let him, to not interrupt him.

“I never would’ve left you. I’d rather fight with you daily than ever, ever love anybody else,” his voice shook and so did his hands.

When Harry didn’t say anything, he wanted to scream. Harry has never said anything when they fought, Louis had always screamed and demanded Harry to just say something. Harry has always acted unaffected, didn’t ever stop Louis from leaving. The only evidence of Harry being affected was the broken lamp, the broken glass, the broken table, the broken heart that Louis always stuck back together when he came home.

“You’d rather fight than do anything, Louis. That’s your problem. You’ve always been good at fighting, of course you’d rather do that daily,” Harry calmly stated. He still wasn’t affected, even after not having spoken to Louis for a year all he could say now was provocative.

“No,” Louis clenched his fists and had to breathe for a second to calm down enough to not punch Harry. He wouldn’t ever, even if he had the chance to. There was nothing that could make Louis want to hurt Harry purposely.

“No, I’d rather love _you_ daily, rather love you with everything that includes– be it fighting or hiding dead bodies– than love anyone else. That’s one of the few things we’ve always had in common. We would always choose you, we both would always put _you_ first.”

Harry still didn’t act any more affected and Louis hated it. He hated how calm and collected Harry was, how seeing Louis and hearing him speak _to_ him didn’t break him.

Talking to Harry had always broken Louis, always made him open and vulnerable. From the first time they met and Harry smiled at him from across to the room to the last day Louis would spend on earth consciously. He would always be affected by Harry.

“Fucking say something!” Louis couldn’t take the silence anymore, he pretended he could for three years, but he couldn’t. Not anymore. Not now that he didn’t have anything to lose anymore.

“What am I supposed to say? There’s nothing I could say to make you think any differently,” Harry’s green eyes met Louis’ blue ones. “Nothing could convince you of how much I truly loved you.”

Past tense.

Louis could feel his eyes tear up, it was as if a single blow of wind could destroy a whole nation. A single word destroyed his facade more than anything Harry had ever said to him in the rush of the moment.

Not even Harry calling him a pathetically needy and inconsiderate prick made Louis reconsider if he ever was good enough. But Harry’s words echoed through his entire heart. _How much I truly loved you. Loved you. Loved._

Louis would’ve given anything to get Harry back, to get him to confess his love in present tense again.

 "Alright," Harry's words were the wind and Louis' voice was the ocean, chaotically, shakingly and wavery. "Why did you stop then," he repeated his earlier question like it didn't break him, like he actually wanted to know the answer for sure. As if he could've handled Harry to actually say it out loud, say his name out loud.

"I didn't," Harry whispered and Louis hated how sincere it sounded. "I could never stop loving you, Louis. You know that." Louis didn't, couldn't if the past tense of one word could make him question his worth.

"Then why did you leave? If you had loved me, you would've stayed," there were tears rolling down his cheeks and if he wasn't such a stubborn shit who couldn't ever admit he was breaking and hurting, he would've furiously wiped them away with the back of his hands. But he didn't, he didn't want Harry to know how much he still loved him, even a year later.

"Because," for a second Harry's voice was shaking and Louis had to wonder whether Harry really wasn't affected or if he simply was better at keeping up a facade. "I already told you, it wasn't working out for the both of us anymore." His voice was back to normal, laced with a feeling of frustration.

Louis had to look up, wondered what he had ever done to love someone he couldn't have, so much. He wondered why he wasn't ever good enough to keep Harry forever.

The sky was so blue and clear and despite it being winter, the sun was shining brightly enough to take Louis back to when Harry and him were happy. When they were kissing and telling each other how much they loved each other. Back to when the mere thought of Harry would take him to his happy place, his safe place. Back to the times where he could still call his house a home, when Harry didn't kick him out of his heart and changed the locks.

"Do you remember-" Louis was trembling, his whole body was shaking and he couldn't even blame it on the cold weather. "Do you remember," he repeated and swallowed and fought the urge to reach out and touch Harry, do what he longed to do for a year. "When you promised me that we would fight through anything? When you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me?" The words kept rolling off his tongue like the tears rolled out of his eyes.

"Louis," Harry started and Louis wasn't sure whether Harry stared at the sky to keep himself together or to not have to look at Louis anymore. "What was I supposed to do?" He finally looked at him, Louis hated himself. Harry's eyes were filled with tears and Louis wanted to reach out and kiss his cheeks and his eyes and tell him he loved him. "All you had to do was stay," he said instead.

That probably did it for Harry, when he blinked there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "Harry," it was the first time Louis said his name and it sounded so broken and he was so mad at himself. He wanted to scream because he made Harry cry. His Harry. He was breathless and felt his lungs tighten and for all he knew, he wanted to fight himself for hurting Harry. For doing the one thing he never wanted to do.

"Harry, please," the amount of tears rolling down his cheeks increased and he had to suck in a breath loudly, he was openly sobbing in public. "I didn't mean to," Harry then said. He still sounded so collected and Louis wanted to hug him so tight all the broken pieces would stick back together for the both of them. Instead, he left his arms hanging next to his sides. "I didn't want to leave you, Louis. Never. I hated myself for doing so, still do, hate myself to pieces. But what was I supposed to do? You gave me no other choice."

Louis did feel sad, initially, but Harry has had so many other choices. They've had the opportunity to talk, to text, to just ignore whatever was going on. Louis would've, to save their relationship, Louis would've bended and broken his own heart several times. He would've done anything. He wanted to tell Harry that he wasn't the one to blame, that nothing Harry did was terrible enough to make him hate himself. That Louis was okay. He would always lie to Harry about his own well-being if that was all it took for Harry to not hate himself.

"What _the fuck_ do you mean what were you supposed to do," he spat instead. He wished he were able to take it back because Harry looked even less affected than before. Looked less like he wanted to waste any more effort into this relationship. Into Louis. "I wanted to stay with you for the rest of our both lives, I wanted to love you," Harry said and wiped his own tears away with his sleeve.

"Why didn't you?" Harry was kind enough to let Louis think, let him speak, even when they were still dating. Whenever they were fighting, Louis always screamed and yelled and wanted Harry to know what he felt and thought. Harry always let him and maybe, Louis thought, that was why Harry always waited until Louis was gone. Waited until he was out of the door to scream and slam the lamp on the ground. He waited for Louis to be gone to break, and perhaps Harry had to be the one to leave that one time to not break. Louis never let Harry speak.

"You never let me. Even now that we're not dating anymore you're pretending. You're lying, lying about who you are and I couldn't-couldn't have loved _you_ for you if all you ever did was pretend to be someone you're not. Will never be. You never trusted me and I was so, so incredibly sick of giving you everything I could've when you couldn't even give me that piece of yourself you have been hiding from everyone." Louis wanted to scream, he wanted to punch Harry and fight him until he finally understood that whatever he was saying was killing him.

Louis had to look up again, the sky wasn't as blue anymore, lost its' colour like Louis' eyes. It matched, seemed as if he was the ocean again and stared at his reflection. As if the lack of blue was because it was going to rain, as if the rain would fall from Louis eyes and the sky simultaneously.

Harry reached out, touched Louis cheeks with his thumbs and rubbed his tears away. Louis' entire body shook. He was shaking and breaking and he finally knew what it must've been like for Harry during their relationship. He felt his world shatter down in front of his eyes and finally reached out to wrap his arms around Harry's body. For the first time in a year, for the first time in forever, Louis allowed himself to let go.

"I'm so sorry, Harry," Harry's shirt was bunched up inside his fists and Louis sobbed into his chest, felt Harry's tears moisten his hair. "I'm so sorry."

 

 

 

They separated ways again after that, and with Harry, Louis smile just went. Louis felt even worse than when Harry left. Because Harry left without any explanation, he just went. When they were fighting and Louis left like he always did, he didn't come back to find a broken lamp, or a broken Harry. All he found was a broken home, half of the closet emptied, half of the bed made, half of the bathroom looking empty.

Louis had felt so terrible, tried calling and texting Harry several times, until a week later Harry sent him a text saying "I left the key on the bedside table, please take good care of it." which left Louis wondering what the key was for. He liked the idea of the key being a way to Harry's heart, so he wore his around his neck to make sure it's taken care of. Liked the idea of Harry always staying a part of him, of Louis being the only one who got to open Harry like this, which made the breakup so much more bearable.

But now, he wasn't so sure anymore. It felt more of a goodbye this time, it felt like the key was no use anymore because the lock of Harry's heart has been replaced.

It was so much easier when Louis could go into bars and laugh with his friends, but all he could do was drink, and drink, and drink, and somehow lose his friends in the mass of people they were surrounded with, whilst he stayed at the bar. At the twentieth drink, the bartender called Louis a cab and made sure he got home safely.

 

When Louis woke up, he found a piece of paper with a number and a name scribbled on it. He knew why it was in there, and he didn't want to because all he wanted was Harry. But between him and Harry, everything was said and there was no reason for him to text or call Harry. And, besides, it would've been rude to not text the bartender from the prior night and thank him for getting him home safely.

It didn't matter that they kept texting all night and Louis smiled for the first time since he met up with Harry.

It didn’t matter that they made plans to meet up, either.

It didn’t matter that Louis knew the guy's intentions.

 

When they met, Louis couldn't help but look for Harry in him. He wasn't Louis' type, his hair was curly and brown and his eyes weren't green and his jokes actually were funny. He wasn't Louis' type, merely wasn't Harry. Louis felt nostalgic.

When Harry left, all Louis did was look for another Harry. Look for people with the exact same traits as Harry. Looked for a clone.

There was no one who could ever make him feel like Harry, so he left the guy half an hour later, pretending his sister needed help at home. No one had to know his sister lived in another country. He didn't reply to the guy's messages that came in for the next few days and was kind enough to himself to delete his number.

He wanted to call the one person he had always called when he felt himself slipping away from reality, the only person who was ever able to keep him grounded.

He couldn't now, not after feeling like it has been their final goodbye.

 

 

Life was as normal as it could've been two months later, the key remained around Louis' neck, suffocating him more often that not, the colour in his eyes and the sky remained wherever Harry was, but he was working again. He was _talking_ again. Lottie said it freaked her out when she was over a month ago and Louis didnt say anything during her entire stay, so he tried to change that. Successfully, in a way.

He worked as a barista at Starbucks, so he was required to speak and didn't have an excuse not to. He got back on track pretty easily after that, he somehow considered himself callous for a while. Thought that nothing bothered him anymore, he felt numb. His usual elation regarding basically everything has vanished and when Zayn walked into Starbucks, he left merely ten seconds later with Louis next to him.

He dragged Louis along until they were hidden in a backstreet, surrounded by posh looking houses and dumpsters. When they sat down, and only then, did Zayn slap Louis on his cheek. As gently as possible.

"What the fu-" Zayn interrupted Louis' whining, as he always did. Because Louis wasn't whining because it hurt and he was "so sensitive, how dare you. I'm divorcing you," no. He whined because he was a nuisance. "You're going to come to my party tonight. I don't care whether you want to or not, you've been moping around for too long."

Louis was impressed by how candid Zayn was, always so stern and straightforward. "No," he said and quite frankly, he was complacent about how convincing his rejection was.

"Yes, no room for objection in any way. You're going to come and if you won't arrive by the time I expect you, I'm going to get you," Zayn spat and Louis nodded silently.

 

 

So, what, Louis sat in Zayn's porch for half an hour, exactly an hour after Zayn expected him, Louis walked in. Which, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid him. He hated Zayn.

"Louis, I must admit I've gotta extol your punctuality. Love it when you're just on time." Zayn was such a fucker. Louis hated twats, and Zayn was the king of twats. Because as loud as the music inside has been, and as deceiving as everything was, the party was fabricated.

People who didn't know Zayn would've thought that perhaps Zayn invited Louis over too early. But there never has been a party planned to begin with. Niall, Liam and Harry were sat on the couch in Zayn's living room and Louis knew what this was. They were going to try to appease them, once again.

"Thought you'd never forsake and defraud me like this, twat," Louis spat as they made their way towards the other boys. Louis could feel his chest tighten at the mere thought of Harry in the same room as him.

"Louis! You came," Niall yelled as he jumped off the couch and immediately cuddled Louis. Louis just nodded bitterly and whispered "got a haughty twat in this exact room. This impeccably is no goddamn party," he said the last part a bit louder than he intended to. But it caught Zayn's attention, and Louis would've felt superior for a second, hadn't he laughed and hadn't Louis' eyes found Harry looking at his lap.

And he thought that said something about him, that even after almost one and a half year of being split, Louis' eyes will always look for Harry in a crowded room. Always.

"I'm going to inhibit his fucking happiness for the entire night, watch me," he still mumbled into Niall's shoulder while shooting daggers into Zayn's back.

So what if the scent of all the boys' colognes combined made him feel more at home than the smell of coffee at Starbucks, or the scent of his pathetically lonely house, no one had to know anyways.

Niall let go of him around five minutes later, both boys smiling at each other, when Liam finally coughed and wanted to hug his friend as well. "Haven't seen you around for too long, dickhead," Liam said into his hair. Louis hated being smaller than all of them. He remembered forcing Harry to carry him on his shoulders to make him feel taller. "Sorry, wouldn't have came today either but Zayn threatened me. Fucking despot," he gasped when he felt something hit his head.

"I heard that you fucker," Zayn said and slapped his head again. Louis pouted and his first instinct was to wriggle out of Liam's grip and run over to Harry and hide next to him. That's what always happened when all of them were together, Louis would insult Zayn- or Liam- and that one would start hitting him and Louis would act all innocent and demure and Harry would fight the guys off and cuddle Louis.

The last time all of them were together was when Louis and Harry were still dating, so there was a reason Louis never came when they invited him. Because Harry did. Because this was Harry's safe space, this was where Louis didn't allow himself to be for over a year because he destroyed Harry's safe space at their home. He immediately jumped off the couch and ran into the bathroom, he felt his chest tighten and the key felt so much more suffocating than before, wrapped around his neck like the most expensive necklace he has ever owned. And it was, in fact, the most expensive one he has ever owned, considering what it cost him to have it. He had to give up Harry to own this necklace and that was the most expensive loss of his life.

He wanted to cry and punch himself for being naive enough to believe that his friends wouldn't want him and Harry back together. Naive enough to think they wouldn't do such cruel things to him.

Someone knocked against the locked door, gently and as silent as possible. Louis' heart stopped for a second and he wanted to get out of there and throw himself in Harry's arms.

Except it wasn't Harry. Harry didn't knock like that, he would knock once, gentle but stern, and then call Louis' name. He would sound soft and make Louis forget about all his worries and open the door acquiescing. But it wasn't Harry and the knock wasn't soft, neither was the apologetic voice from the other side of the door. So the door remained closed. And it did so for around an hour, Niall left ten minutes after he knocked. Liam came fifteen minutes after Niall left. He apologised, reassured Louis that he didn't plan any of that.

Then came Zayn, who apologised to Louis thirty minutes after Liam sat down and tried to talk to Louis through the door. He knew Louis, knew that until he would've calmed down, there was no way he was going to reply. But he did have a spare key, so Louis had to get out and face reality. His reality was that his ex and his friends are best friends, and nothing would be able to change that.

Louis sat down in the kitchen, tears still threatening to spill. Niall sat on the wooden chair across from him, telling him how his life has been and what exactly happened since they last talked. Which was, even for Louis' circumstances, too long.

When Niall left, Zayn sat down next to Louis. Louis sat on his usual spot and Zayn sat on Harry's usual spot and even though he wasn't Harry, Louis' hand found Zayn's hand out of habit. Out of habit sitting there, chatting with his friends and subconsciously taking Harry's hand in his.

Zayn sighed and let Louis rest his head on his shoulder. A few minutes later, Zayn was smoking a joint that- if you ask Louis- came out of nowhere. He offered Louis a drag, which he happily approved of. After almost smoking the entire joint on his own, Louis felt lightheaded. Fuck Zayn and his stupid intelligent intentions. Fuck Zayn and his awareness of every single emotion his friend felt.

When Louis felt lightheaded enough to speak and giggle, Zayn started talking to him. He knew there would've been no way to talk to Louis without breaking his heart if he wasn't drunk or high. If he wasn't intoxicated in any way. If his feelings weren't manipulated enough.

"I didn't invite you to mope around, I didn't invite you to even get back with Harry," Zayn paused when Louis physically freezed. It would've been funny hadn't it been so painful for Zayn to watch his best friend repress all his emotions and memories whenever he was high. "He's here?" Louis whispered and Zayn's heart broke for him.

"Indeed," Zayn said and tried not to cry when Louis' breath hitched and his eyes began to fill with tears. "He _is_ here, but I didn't invite you because of that. Primarily. I invited you because whoever I saw this morning, that totally wasn't you. That wasn't my best friend. I haven't seen my best friend in over a year and I want him back."

Louis was a wimp, that much was obvious. But when Zayn mentioned how much of a toll this breakup has taken on everyone around him. "He took that from me," Louis said so much more in agony than in anger as he intended it to be. "I just-" Louis started sobbing loudly and if the other boys hadn't known what was going on in the kitchen, they all would've been right in there the second Louis let out the first sob.

Louis heard a distant "Stay, Zayn is talking to him." He wondered why Liam had to tell Niall exactly that if Niall had been the one who saw Zayn sitting down next to him.

"I just want him back," Louis cried loudly and he felt Zayn get up and leave the room. Usually, Louis wouldn't have minded because he thought Zayn always knew what's best for him and when he needed to talk, be cuddled, or be left alone. But right now Zayn seemed like the worst friend because the _last_ Louis needed was being left alone. He let his head drop on his arms that were linked on the table and whispered incoherent sentences.

"Fucking twat," he sobbed into his arms. "I just want him back. God is such a twat. Zayn is such a twat. Twat is such a twat," Louis thought about how twat spelled backwards is still twat, kicked himself in the leg a minute later when he realised that wasn't true and sobbed even more.

He felt Zayn sit back down next to him and he wanted to slap him for forsaking him, leaving him to suffer on his own for so long. Louis was breathing too fast, his tears spilled uncontrollably and inevitably on his arms and his stomach felt empty enough for him to feel sick. And he was close to punching Zayn if it wasn't for the person absolutely not being Zayn. He lifted his head and stared at Harry with his most broken and vulnerable expression.

"If I promise-promise to finally, Harry, if I promise I will let myself fall," he sobbed and wanted to jump in Harry's arms, wanted to make him feel just how much his heart was breaking and how being without him was like breathing without air. As cheesy as that was. "If I let myself fall, please come back home. Please."

Harry smiled and it reached his eyes, this time. "Please, I-" Louis breath hitched and he froze when something like guilt, or regret flashed over Harry's features. "Oh my god," he whispered and he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. "You- oh my god. You're with someone new, aren't you?" Harry's smile almost looked apologetical.

Louis felt his own features soften and his breath even out when Harry's thumbs wiped under his eyes again and he shook his head. "Would rather fight with you daily than love anyone new," Harry whispered. He said it as if it was the most creative sentence that has ever left his lips. Louis wanted to punch him, wanted to punch that very soft smile off his face. Or kiss it. Or both.

"Why didn't you-" Louis had to suck in a breath and looked into Harry's mesmerisingly green eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you tell me how much you were hurting?" If Harry hadn't known better, Louis almost looked like he was on the verge of breaking, shattering into a million pieces.

"When? You always left, Louis. And when you came back, I was always so scared you would leave again. Leave and never come back, so I left for good," Harry said. "What was I supposed to do, you didn't ever talk to me." Louis felt so frustrated, like this was going to end up in another fight. A fight that would forever threaten their relationship. He was so close to yelling, to punching Harry's chest because he _just wouldn't talk_ to Louis, even right then. But he didn't, he kept his mouth shut and looked at Harry. Properly for the first time in what felt like forever.

Harry looked tired, he looked tired and absolutely stunning. Breathtaking. Louis _was_ breathless. But he also looked concentrated, like something was going on in his head and he knew this face, had looked at it every single day, it was the first time Louis properly noticed though. It was the face Harry made when he tried to turn his thoughts into words. Words that wouldn't hurt Louis, and he finally understood what harmed their relationship when Harry looked into his eyes and opened his mouth. "All you had to do was stay."

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ Thank you. _

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I hope you enjoyed reading this! As I’ve said, you can leave feedback and I’d be very honoured if you did. Thank you for reading this, as it is my first published work since 1782!  
> You can find me on twitter at @lgbtslwt, and chat with me if you want to!  
> Love you guys to pieces, see you in 2037 with my next fic. x


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